RAW Satire 2/27/06

Because Rick is Sick, here's something to read:

Last Week: My Darling Stacy took home the bronze because the friggin’ American Public looooooooves Jerry Rice. Yeah. Fi and a pox on thee America! Drew Lachey can kiss my ass. Jessica was the real brains in that family. At least the Italian Judge had enough sense to want to bone her. Oh, and Marty Jannetty made a surprise return to borrow twenty bucks from Shawn Michaels. And was that Hacksaw Jim Duggan? Geez. Who will we drag out of mothballs…TONIGHT?!
(Opening Credits)
Man, they really got an alluring picture of Vince pulling down his pants there. Lookin’ swell, there Mr…Woah, is this thing on? Oh snap. Hello everyone and welcome to RAW Satire! Here’s Edge and Lita along with Death Valley, to greet us. Sup, Edge?
Edge: I bet you’re all wondering “’Sup, Edge?” Well, I’ll tell you what’s up! The sky! Hahahahaha!
Lita: Edge, honey, it’s time we really had a talk about this whole catchphrase situation….
Edge: No! I’m out here to talk about Mick Foley! Last week, Mick Foley, I challenged you to a match at WrestleMania! Now what do you say, fat boy? Huh? Are you going to accept my challenge, or am I going to have to take that sweat sock, roll it up real nice, light that blunt up and say PIMPIN’ AIN’T EASY?!
Lita: That was…what?!
Edge: What?!
Stone Cold Steve Austin: Aw, hell son, you can have that one. I ain’t gonna be usin’ it any time soon. You can have “Eh-EH!” too if you want.
Sean Cold Val Venis: What about me? Can I have one of your catchphrases?
Austin: Hell no, now get on up out of here before I whip yer ass! And that’s the bottom line cuz-
Edge: Edge said so! Yeah!
Austin: You’re making me very angry right now.
Edge: Oh yeah? Well…Fear the SPEAR! Period.
Lita: I just can’t TAKE THIS ANY MORE! Go back to the goddamn salad if you have to. This is terrible.
Mick Foley: Is that how you hope to impress me into a Wrestlemania-type match, Edge? Stealing catchphrases because you can’t come up with a good one on your own? That’s not cool. I spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool!
Randy Orton: That’s not entitly true, Mist! I spat into the farce of destiny once!
Foley: Yeah. I guess you did at that.
Edge: So what say you, Mick? To be the man, you’ve got to beat the man! And I’m…I’m the man.
Foley: Never before has that line come off so convincingly. All right, Edge. I’ll tell you what. Since I bothered to fly all the way down here to insert name of town, I’m going to remind you of the fact that I’ve held three world titles, which is fully two more titles than you have held.
Edge: Well, let me remind you that I’ve held a world title that spins around!
Foley: ….
Austin: ….
Orton: ….
Venis: ….
Lita: ….
Edge: You know, I’ve never lost a match at Wrestlemania?
Orton: The Takerster’s followed me from Snackdown! I’ve gotta hide!
Orton ducks underneath Lillian Garcia.
Edge: Furthermore, at least I’ll be remembered for something more than being thrown off things and wearing socks on my hands! Which is all people remember you for because you suck! Now can you dig that? FOLEY?!
Foley: All right…Whatever. Let’s just have a Hardcore match. I can still probably still hit people with things. That shouldn’t be too hard.
Edge: This will be my greatest conquest yet!
Then Mick Foley takes out a barbed wire baseball bat and hits Alex Rodriguez in the face. Screw you WBC.
Kane and Big Show are walking to the ring. Together. Why?
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Sean Cold Val Venis and Viscera v. Kane and The Big Show
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles
Woah these guys are still tag team champions? Even they look a little shocked about it. Viscera’s ditched “The World’s Largest Pajamas” and has gone back to his “Wearing a purple couch” outfit. Kane and Show get bored with beating the crap out of Val, so they team up to light Lillian on fire. Oh, what Randy didn’t need was a little more Kane. He sees Kane, freaks out, and trips over WWE Time Keeper Mark Yeaton. Orton wins! Congrats on defeating…yourself. Kane and Show team up to double chokeslam Viscera’s fat ass. After their big win, Kane and Show shake hands, and make nice. They’ll see each other to defend the tag titles next month.
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Todd Grisham is backstage with Ric Flair. This can’t end well….
Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with The Nature Boy Ric Flair, and Ric, I’ve gotta ask you…what the hell was your old ass doing having a title anyway?
Ric Flair: WOO! Because to be the man, you’ve gotta beat the man! And I’m the man. WOO!
Grisham: No you’re not! You’re like…823 years old!
Flair: No, no! I just had my birthday on Sunday! I’m 824!
Grisham: So retire already! I don’t understand why you feel the need to hold down a roster spot while good guys like The Heart Throbs and The Dicks are getting released! I know you have to pay off all your IRS debts because you’re an idiot, but why should they pay you to sit around and be an old fatass when there are younger more deserving guys on the roster!
Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!
Grisham: God, I hate you. You used to be cool!
Flair: And I used to take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy! WOO! That’s right! I’m your father!
Grisham: If that’s true, then I can’t help but hate myself!
Todd dives into a paper shredder. Todd Grisham has fallen.
Flair: Hahaha! I’m not actually his father. WOO!
David Flair: I know how he feels though.
Flair: You’re no son of mine!
David: Really?
Flair: Hahaha…No. I’m you’re dad.
David: Sigh.
Elsewhere backstage, Marty Jannetty pensively sips a ham and cheese sandwich.
Marty Jannetty: Oh man! This is so good! I haven’t had a real ham sandwich since the last time I was mercy hired by WWE.
Shawn Michaels: Listen, man. You don’t have to do this. Don’t humiliate yourself on TV for money, man. I’m sure TNA will take you. You can feud with Jarrett!
Jannetty: Are you wearing a tube top?
HBK: That’s not important! You shouldn’t go out there and kiss Vince’s ass!
Jannetty: And you think ME wearing tassels is fruity? You’re wearing a friggin’ tube top!
HBK: Whyspyr and I were talking, and I accidentally packed some of her clothes and….
Jannetty: Man, I’m sorry. I can’t take anything you say seriously when you’re wearing that.
HBK: …I thought it looked nice.
Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund) is standing by with Carlito.
Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund): Maria Punk neep Tennyson Lund here, and I’m standing by with Carlito, and Carlito I’ve got to ask, how’s the ol’ Bank on It match coming together for Wrestlemania.
Carlito Caribbean Cool: Well, it turns out that since RAW still doesn’t have any GMs, we can make whatever the hell matches we want. I just found out that Tyson Tomko v. Danny Basham was booked for WrestleMania while nobody was looking. So I penciled it in after the epic Abe Orton vs. Matt Striker contest. That one’s gonna be cool. So anyway, I guess there’s qualifying matches or something. I don’t know. We’re pretty much making this up as we go.
Maria: You can tell me! Who’s going to be in the match?
Carlito: Well, since you totally just flashed me some side boob, I’ll tell you that it’s probably just going to be Ric Flair vs. A Pile of Hand Puppets. Then he’s going to hawk the briefcase on WWE.com, and Chris Tian is going to bid on it and he’s going to come and win a real World Title. Then I’m going to spit in his face for not wanting to be cool.
Maria: This year’s WrestleMania is shaping up to be a real winner!
Carlito: Yeah. I don’t even think I’m going to watch it. I’ll see if somebody is showing some gay cowboy movie marathon or something that night.
Maria: Best of luck on your future endeavors.
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Trevor Murdoch v. Rob Van Dam
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match
Ok, raise your hands if you think Trevor Murdoch is going to WrestleMania. Ok, you guys, go punch yourselves in the nuts. Rob and Murdoch fight over who had the most pointless random tag team careers, and Rob wins that particular battle, because teaming up with Booker T and Jeff Jarrett IS pretty crappy, but nothing quite beats out being overshadowed by Kane everywhere you go. Murdoch sets RVD up for the Golden Globes, but it’s Oscar Season, baby! And the winner for Best Oversell of Your Own Finishing Move goes to RVD for Flopping After Frogsplash (directed by Michael Bay). RVD qualifies!
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Boobsie McTitsalot (w/ Torrie Wilson) v. Trish Stratus (w/ Alexis Laree)
For the WWE Women’s Title
Dammit, where the hell is Chloe?! I spent $500,000 of WWE money to put her on Team RAW Satire! At least Shelton’s Mama is racking up big points! Torrie announces Boobsie at well over 500 pounds, which I think is a bit harsh. At least half of that is boobs. Boobsie gains control early with some Magic Wand based offense, and after turning Trish into a lima bean, she does her Rolling Thighs dance, much to the delight of Rob Van Dam who calls it “Yeah! All Right!!” Torrie tries to help her out by calling the match from ringside, but unfortunately, letting Torrie call a match just leads to Boobsie landing on top of her head on a failed Shooting Star Press. After Trish wins, she and Alexis celebrate with a little softcore oral sex, but then Trish remembers that there’s nothing worse than having a big wet spot on your crotch during the meet and greets with the disabled kids, so she has to take a rain check this time. So, wait…Alexis didn’t intentionally break Ashley?
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Backstage, Torrie tells Boobsie that she should get used to losing, because nobody wants to buy a Playboy for a girl they barely care about anyway, especially since you can’t animate the rolling thighs dance accurately on paper. Boobsie responds by eating a whole pan full of muffins.
What kind of muffins, you ask? Why, APPLE DOUGH! Because THE CHAMP IS HERE! Let’s see what he has to say?
John Cena: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! YO! YOOOOOOO! THE CHAMP IS HERE!
Jonathan Coachman: John, in just a few short weeks you’re headlining WrestleMania, and it’s worse than LAST year. You don’t even have Triple H and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” to fall back on this year! Randy Orton is in the other main event! Dire straights for you, champ!
John Cena: You can’t see me!
Here’s Triple H for the win.
Triple H: Ach! I can’t take this crap anymore! Listen, I’m not going to let you drag me down, kid. I’ve had to feud with a bunch of crappy guys at Mania in the past, but I’m not going to let you be the one that finally kills my drawing power.
Cena: I’m the champ, homey! Recognize!
HHH: All right, that’s the first thing we need to work on. Look at you. You’re dressed like you just went to K-Mart and bought whatever was on Blue Light Special. Jean Shorts, Pump Up Sneakers from 1994, and a T-Shirt that barely makes sense. Kid, if you want anybody to take you seriously, you could at least buy ONE nice suit. Or for Pete’s sake, some pants.
Cena: Choke on deez nuts!
HHH: And another thing, dial down the wiggerocity by a factor of at least five for a month or so. I don’t care how you talk or act or whatever when you’re feuding with whoever else, but when you’re feuding with me, I can’t be embarrassed to even appear in the same segment as you.
Cena: Yeah…well…You should be called Triple Gay!
HHH: And can you please learn a few more moves. More than…five, anyway. Like, throw a Tiger Suplex in there once in a while, just to mess with everybody. Not against me or anything, but just…just for fun. Look, I know you held the title for almost a whole year there, and good on you for it, but this is the first time you’ve feuded with me, and there’s some conditions that have to be met so that you don’t drag me into the toilet with you.
Cena: Would you like that, homey? If we went into the toilets together to get off?
HHH: Look, I’m the Game and stuff. I’m basically the main event of this company until I say. So even though you haven’t got a prayer of winning, can you at least act like you do? Even though people hate to see me in the main, they tolerate it. Do you know what I have that you don’t?
Cena: A penis in Stephanie McMahon?
HHH: Besides that, I mean. A secureness in my total control of my masculinity. I can play with kittens and rock out to Sarah McLaughlin, because I know it doesn’t make me any less of a man. I cry now and again, and I watch Dr. Phil and Housewives. And I’m willing to stand here and admit it, because that just makes me a stronger person inside. You’re, what, 28? And you act like you’re 14. Come on, man. Let me get you some Dido or something. She did a song with Eminem! That should ease your transition a bit….
Cena: You know what I have that you don’t?
HHH: What’s that?
Cena: A title belt that SPINS, homey! WHEEEEEEEEE!
HHH: I…I…Huh.
Vince McMahon: Quite frankly, I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and quite frankly, it gave me an idea. What if, I was to pair the two of you up against Randy Orton, Rey Misterio, and…the World Heavyweight Champion in a match on Saturday Night’s Main Event?
HHH: You mean Kurt Angle?
Vince: Well, I can’t actually SAY Kurt Angle, because Smackdown is taping later, and that would be some mad spoilers to say that he retains.
HHH: Did you just say “Mad Spoilers?”
Cena: That’s my boy right there. Represent, Vizzle to the Mizzle!
HHH: I wonder if Dixie Carter is married.
Cena: I heard she was married. Her real name is now, Dixie Normous.
Vince: Hahahahahaha! That’s why he’s the champ.
After this, Triple H just sits in the corner and sobs for a while.
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Chavo Guerrero v. Shelton Benjamin (w/ Mama Benjamin)
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match
I hope Chavo wins. Not because I don’t think Shelton could use the briefcase, but because there ain’t no stoppin’ Shelton from defending the Intercontinental Title…NAH! The story of the match is Chavo hitting some tribute based offense, followed by moments of dead air as he wonders what to do next. Eventually, the match has dragged on SO long that Mama falls asleep and falls out of her chair. Randy Orton runs in through the audience to claim his victory, but he spots Chavo and, remember his feud with Les Gourdeos, he spits into the ring, causing Chavo to slip and fall over. However, since Orton wasn’t “technically” in this match, his win is credited to Shelton. MAMA BENJAMIN IS STILL GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
(ds)
Entering the WWE Hall of Fame this year? Todd Pettingill. He’s being inducted by Chris Leary. Awesome.
Vince McMahon is standing backstage, admiring the craftsmanship on his fake office.
Vince McMahon: Rob built TWO walls for me to put couches by and stand between. I’m really proud of that flippy little bastard. That’s at least one more wall than I would have expected.
Shawn Michaels: Hey, Vince…look…I was thinking, I don’t even really want Marty back. You’re either going to team us up in some kind of crappy Rockers reunion that nobody except you and him wants, or else you’re going to have him turn on me and join you, and officially less than nothing will come out of it.
Vince McMahon: Is that a tube top you’re wearing?
Shawn: Can we get past my fashion choices for just a second and focus on the matter at hand?
Vince: Certainly. I mean it’s not like I’m not wearing one of Stephanie’s corsets under this shirt after all.
Shawn: You know what? Have Marty kiss your ass anyway. I’m hoping an overload of disgusting signals will fry my brain and I’ll forget this whole day ever happened.
Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: Hey there hot stuff! Wanna oil me up?
Shawn: It’s me. Shawn Michaels.
Masters: Woah! With that tube top you’re at least a 7! Eight if I’m drunk. Talk about mixed signals!
Vince: Tell me about it!
(ads)Carlito Carribean Cool v. Ric Flair
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying MatchCarlito eats an apple while Flair begs off to start. Flair tries to remind Carlito that he’s his father, but Carlito knows better than that now. So Flair hits him in the balls. Poor Carlito. If you can’t beat a 824 year old man, what kind of upstart young wrestler are you anyway? One with amazing hair. Flair chops Carlito down, but Carlito isn’t giving up. That briefcase will be his dammit! Maybe he can keep some apples in there instead of on the floor. That can’t be completely sanitary.
(ads)Don’t tell me that Flair is going to be in another ladder match. The guy is going to get snapped in half one of these times, and J.R. isn’t here, so he can’t say, “By Gawd! He’s been broken in HALF! Literally!” Damn osteoporosis. Carlito works the lower back, which, I understand was injured somehow at one point. It’s all for naught, though, because Carlito stops to take an apple break, and gets counted out. RIC FLAIR IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! BY GAWD WHAT AN UPSET! Flair is so excited, he falls over. Orton wins! I wonder if he’s going to be in the Money in the Bank.Vince McMahon is standing backstage, checking out his ass. Yes, it’s still there, and it’s coming out…NEXT!(ads)
Heeeeere’s Vince!
Vince McMahon: Allow me to introduce penniless hobo Marty Jannetty, whose career is best defined by his complete and stunning inability to overcome wearing fruity tassels and being thrown through windows. Marty, welcome.
Marty Jannetty: Thank you, Mister McMahon. It’s a pleasure to be begging you for change again.
Vince: I’m sure you all remember Marty’s match with Kurt Angle, and how stunningly not horrible it was, and quite frankly, that was just enough that I resigned him to a WWE contract. Unfortunately, he also violated his parole and wound up back in jail, where he lived out the remainder of his WWE Contract getting hit on by Nailz.
Marty: Believe me, it’s nicer than it sounds. He’s got a really warm heart and soft hands.
Vince: Be that as it may, Marty spent all the money we gave him getting his van fixed and buying old Journey tapes. I understand you even hawked your leather jacket for “Raised on Radio.” And that’s all well and good, but quite frankly, even Virgil is better off than you, and all he does is sit by himself at comic book conventions in the same shirt crying.
Marty: Well, I think by drawing on the power of the Lord, I may yet prance again, Mr. McMahon.
Vince: Well, fine. I’m going to pull off my pants now, and we’ll see what happens. Just know that if your lips DO happen to find their way onto my ass…hypothetically speaking…I mean I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. But, just remember, if they do, I have a whole hell of a lot more bling than Jesus.
Vince pulls down his pants, but then Marty remembers what William Regal once told him.
William Regal: Just remember, chappy, kissing Mr. McMahon’s ass won’t keep you off Internet Velocity.
And as much as Marty would love the paycheck, he’d never heard of Internet Velocity, and it scared him. Then a pirate came buy and tried to shiver his timbers. Armed with this knowledge, and sore afraid, Marty begs for another way.
Marty: Please, Mr. McMahon! There has to be another way to earn a paycheck! I cannot covet your ass, but I can do any number of other things! I could dust the Titan Tron! Or team with Al Snow! Or give bubble baths to Pat Patterson! Anything that will keep me off Internet Velocity! I can’t afford a new drug!
Vince: Well, then I hope your cooking is up to par.
Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. Marty Jannetty
In a Lobster Tail Challenge for a WWE Contract
Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!
Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: This is one of the Iron Chef’s specialties. I know he’s been in a bit of a slump lately, but he seems confident. But the challenger is destitute, and perhaps he will have the heart to pull ahead.
Dr. Yukio Hatori: I doubt it. That guy hasn’t cooked anything but shrimp ramen for, like, the last fifteen years.
Fukui: True that.
Ohta: Fukui-san!
Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: The challenger is eating everything in his kitchen! He’s like a man possessed. He hasn’t eaten a decent meal in years, and…he’s eating flour by the spoonful! He’s not going to win a contract like this!
He’s not! But then Shawn Michaels runs down. Superkick to the Fortune Teller! Superkick to the Low Level Government Official! Shawn Michaels has taken out the judges! Nobody can tell me whether the flavor of the lobster bisque was too strong now! Shawn turns his attention to Vince, but in a SHOCKING SWERVE~! the lobster was actually Shane McMahon in disguise! Shane prances over and snips Michaels with his claws. Shawn looks to Marty for help, but Marty is about halfway into a can of condensed beef broth, and in no mood to stop. And, in a final act of retribution, Shane forces Shawn to kiss Vince’s ass.
Vince: Now you know what goes on behind the scenes here at WWE. Quite frankly, it’s not pretty. What the hell are you dressed in that costume for, Shane?
Shane: Dad…I can’t keep this secret anymore. I’m a Fishy. Don’t you judge me!
Shane prances off.
Vince: Be that as it may, in the interest of fairness, quite frankly, I think Shawn Michaels here should have a match on Saturday Night’s main event. Against my son. In a street fight. I can only hope you knock some sense into him. And then you’ll be fighting me at WrestleMania. Just remember that I don’t have any knees, so…don’t expect me to be able to wrestle or anything. It’ll be just like fighting Hogan!
At that, even Shawn’s unconscious form begins gagging. Marty offers him some paprika, but then he dumps the whole bottle into his mouth anyway.
Fukui: Join us next week when we find out who will reign supreme!
Next Week: Ric Flair begins training with RVD on how to do moonsaults into the crowd. Edge continues his search for The World’s Greatest Catchphrase that will propel him not only over loveable loser Mick Foley, but also back into the main event! And Triple H tries to teach John Cena the finer points of not making Hunter look bad.
All that and more…NEXT WEEK!

RIP Eddie Guerrero 1967-2005

Here are the results from the Eddie Guerrero Tribute Show that I attended in Minneapolis Minnesota tonight:

Lillian Garcia welcomed us to a special “Tribute To Eddie Show.”

Dark Match: KEN KENNEDY d. VAL VENIS

Not much to say about this one. Neither guy did much one way or another. Kennedy won with the Green Bay Plunge after he blocked a Money Shot attempt.

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RAW
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At this time the entire locker room, along with the road agents and the McMahons gathered on the entrance ramp and called for a moment of silence and a Ten Bell Salute for Eddie. Many of the wrestlers were understandably visibly shaken, especially Benoit and Chavo. After the salute, Vince said that Eddie would have liked the show to go on, so tonight they’re going to put together a tribute to one of the best pro wrestlers ever to grace a WWE ring. Viva la raza! At this point a really amazing tribute video to Eddie’s life aired set to Johnny Cash’s cover of Nine Inch Nails’ “Hurt.” After this, the wrestlers all headed backstage while the announcers (Coachman, Styles and Lawler) took the announce position.

John Cena talks in a short video about how Eddie taught him not only how to be a better worker, but how to be a better man during their time on Smackdown together. He notes that it wasn’t Eddie’s physical talents that made him one of the best, but the heart he put into everything he did.

KANE and THE BIG SHOW v. MNM

Apparently the rules of RAW/Smackdown will not apply tonight (in fact almost every match featured a mix of the brands). The match was introduced by way of a clip of Eddie spraying Big Show with sewage from their feud in 2003. Show, at one point, did Eddie’s little shuffle dance. MNM had control of Kane for much of the match, until Show tagged in and MNM was destroyed. Melina, for what it’s worth, was still selling an injury.

KURT ANGLE v. SHELTON BENJAMIN

Angle was introduced by way of a video of Eddie selling Kurt Angle’s personal items on WWE.com. Despite the fact that he was obviously having trouble containing his emotion, he did admirably well playing the heel here. Shelton broke out a scary looking overhead release German Suplex off the top. After an ending mat wrestling exchange, Angle rolled Shelton into the Ankle Lock for the tap out win.

After a highlight package of Eddie’s time in “Los Guerreros,” Chavo Guerrero talked at length about his younger days in the Guerrero household, when he and Eddie were more like brothers than nephew/uncle. He also talks about how much the formation of Los Guerreros meant to he and Eddie, and how badly they wanted the tag team to succeed. At this point, he explains how much Eddie meant to himself and his family.

SHAWN MICHAELS v. REY MISTERIO

Shawn and Rey exchanged handshakes to start. Rey broke out his own version of the Eddie Shuffle after an exchange of rights. Shawn was in control for most of the match, until Rey turned a Superkick attempt into a 619, and finished Shawn off with a roll-up for the win. After the match, the two men shared another handshake and a hug, and Rey motioned to the sky to dedicate his performance to his good friend. I really do wish they would have found another Guerrero T-Shirt than “I’m Your Papi” for Rey, though. All things considered.

Batista had a video package where he spoke at length about the fact that he and Eddie really had become great friends over the past few months of working together. He said that Eddie was always in constant pain backstage, but that as soon as they stepped through the curtains, Eddie suddenly dropped all that and made everything look like a million bucks. Batista is sad that Eddie was taken away far too soon, but happy that at least now he has found peace. He vows that for as long as he is in the WWE, he will make sure that nobody forgets what Eddie Guerrero has done for him and this business.

ASHLEY MASSARO, CHRISTY HEMME, MARIA, CANDICE MICHELLE,
MICKEY JAMES, MELINA, JILLIAN HALL, VICTORIA, and TRISH STRATUS
Diva Battle Royal

The girls all wore Guerrero T-Shirts to the ring and did a coordinated removal of them. The star of the match may as well have men Maria, who held the ropes for most of the match before eliminating Victoria on a fluke. Empowered by her newfound strength, she tried to push out the fighting Trish and Melina, who in turn unceremoniously dumped her. Melina got the win after Trish made a mistake near the ropes and got knocked out. I know this night wasn’t really about the booking, but that was kind of odd.

EUGENE v. SIMON DEAN

Kind of exactly what you’d expect. Simon offered Eugene a Simon System bar to start, but when started Eugene try it, Simon took him down. After that, the went through a standard match which ended when Eugene hit the Rock Bottom on Dean. After the match, Eugene stole Simon’s Segway and scootered off while Dean looked on, dumbfounded, on the apron.

Chris Benoit has a video in which he states that he and Eddie were more than just friends or tag team partners or traveling companions, but that they loved each other like brothers. He and Eddie always talked with each other about their families and their careers and what the future held for them, and they never parted ways without telling each other that they loved them. Benoit can’t believe that he’ll never have another chance to tell Eddie that he loves him.

Triple H does a video in which he states that he has never seen such a devoted family man and wrestler as Eddie Guerrero, and that Eddie was really something truly special in the business. Hunter breaks down talking about how nobody ever had a bad word to say about Eddie because there was nothing bad to say. He’d fought all his demons and he’d come out stronger, and had become such a great man that it was hard to believe that he was gone.

RIC FLAIR v. WILLIAM REGAL

Fairly standard match between these two, though Flair was obviously getting very emotional by the end. After he defeated Regal with a Figure Four, he stayed in the ring for a few minutes to pose in tribute to Eddie.

JOHN CENA v. RANDY ORTON (w/ COWBOY BOB ORTON)

This is the main event of RAW. Pretty much everything you’d expect. Both guys worked hard to overcome the physical shortcomings of the match and give a really good performance. Cena broke out the Eddie Shuffle as part of the Five Knuckle Shuffle. The ending of the match came when the Ortons got disqualified for Cowboy Bob’s interference. Cena cleaned house in short order however. After Cena had finished Orton with the F-U, he took off his Guerrero T-Shirt and laid it in the middle of the ring with the WWE Title draped over it for a really nice closing shot.

As they set up the Smackdown set, they played clips from last year’s Diva Shoot DVD, which seemed kind of really out of place. Also a bit odd considering Christian figured heavily into parts of the montage. Also in a note that has nothing to do with the show, Tazz seems to have a new remix of his old theme. In item three of “This has nothing to do with the Eddie Tribute Show”: They played a trailer for Kane’s new movie, now titled “See No Evil.” It actually doesn’t look half bad based on the cut of the trailer, and got a decent amount of applause.

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Smackdown
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Batista entered in Eddie’s Lowrider (which had now been taken off the stage). He drove it to the ring to Eddie’s music. After he’d made it down the ramp, he got out and took the mic. He said that he maybe wasn’t the best person to be out here eulogizing Eddie, but that Eddie was one of wrestling’s greatest superstars and he was proud to be a part of the tribute to his fallen friend. Afterwards, he left the ring and placed the WWE World Title on top of the hood of the lowrider. It would remain there through the rest of the event.

CARLITO CARRIBEAN COOL v. MATT HARDY

Carlito mocked Matt’s 2nd Rope Leg drop, but got caught coming off with a boot to the face. Matt won with a Twist of Fate after reversing a Carlito suplex. After the match, Matt pointed to the sky and touched the lowrider on his way out.

Vince McMahon offered a tribute video of his own. He says that both personally and professionally, there are few people more wonderful than Eddie Guerrero. He was a student of the game and always gave his best performance night in and night out, but more importantly than that, he was a good man. That’s what Vince hopes we take away from his career, that he was a great talent, but an even better man. Vince says that WWE was his family from the crew to the office to the wrestlers, it didn’t matter, and WWE will miss both the performer and the person deeply.

LEGION OF DOOM v. LANCE CADE and TREVOR MURDOCH

Before the match a fan yelled out “I still miss Hawk!“ To which Animal turned and sadly stated, “I miss him too!“ Not as much of a squash as one might think. Cade and Murdoch controlled much of the opening part of the match on Heidenreich before Animal cleaned house and hit the Doomsday Device for the win. Afterwards, he and Heidenreich pointed out Eddie signs in the crowd and led an Eddie chant before they both went and shared an emotional moment at the lowrider.

Big Show is nearly a complete mess as he talks about how great it was to work with Eddie and how much he meant to all his family and friends. Show says that he misses Eddie deeply, but he knows that Eddie was a good soul and that they’ll see each other in heaven.

CHAVO GUERRERO v. JBL (w/ JILLIAN HALL)

Chavo played Eddie for the entirety of the match hitting all his spots with pauses only for JBL to get spurts of offense. Among other things, Chavo hit the Eddie Shuffle, the Three Amigos, the spot where he pretends that JBL hit him with a chair that he introduced himself, and finally, the Frogsplash. After the win, Chavo got on the house mic and led an “Eddie” chant. He said that he knew somewhere Eddie was watching this show and smiling, and thanked everyone for their love and support.

TAJIRI, GREGORY HELMS, PAUL LONDON, SCOTTY 2 HOTTY, FUNAKI, BRIAN KENDRICK, KID KASH, NUNZIO, PSICHOSIS, SUPER CRAZY, and JUVENTUD GUERRERA
Cruiserweight Battle Royal

The start was extremely funny as the Smackdown and RAW guys had a stare down to start, but, outnumbered 8 to 2, Tajri quickly turned on Helms, sided with Smackdown, and then got beaten down. In another funny spot, Tajiri used Nunzio as a battering ram to knock down several opponents. The final three were Nunzio, London and Guerrera, but London and Guerrera teamed up to take out Nunzio after he offered alliances to both of them. London and Juvi fought in the ropes briefly, similar to their Velocity match a few weeks ago, before Juvi finally dumped London. After the match, Juvi went down to the lowrider and offered up a silent prayer.

TRIPLE H v. CHRIS BENOIT

During his entrance, Hunter motioned for the audience to stand and pointed to the “EG” written on his wristband. Benoit came out to a loud reaction. Both men were fairly cordial to start, agreeing that the match wasn’t about them it was about Eddie. After a nice long match, Benoit won with the crossface. After the match, he and Hunter shared a long hug and tribute celebration before Dean Malenko came to the ring. Benoit got on the house mic and said that he would miss Eddie more than anything in the world, and reiterated what an amazing friend Eddie had been to himself and to Dean and to everybody. After sharing an emotional embrace in the ring, he and Dean pulled a huge Eddie Tribute banner out of the crowd and brought it into the ring. After showing it around for a few minutes they laid it across the ring, and then left.
------
End of Show
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Why I Am Better Than You

Ok, not really, but I thought that would be an appropriately sensationalist headline. More games stuff than I can shake a mildly broken stick at!

1) I'm going to be getting a "reviewers" copy of TEW 2006 fairly soon. As soon as the MSPaint on the art files dry, actually. This is why I'm better than you. Once in a blue moon, I get free things just for being as awesome as I am. Now, usually those things are just punches in the face, or Spam for having my e-mail address plastered all over the interweb (though at least with the UPW guys, it makes sense that they'd spam me). Also, it's cool because I'm going to get to play it before anybody else, basically. It makes me feel all warm and gooey inside.

2) Nintendogs, baby. That's right. I'm getting up early next Tuesday and trucking over to Best Buy to put my hands on a copy of the greatest Dog simulation game since Dogz 7 (8 was a trainwreck). I'm getting "Minature Daschound and Friends." I played the demo the other day. It was awesome. It's better than owning a real dog because it doesn't pee all over the carpet. I've suddenly become way less cool haven't I?

3) http://www.telltalegames.com/bone_the_game

I've never read Jeff Smith's Bone comics series, but I've heard only good things about it. Now it's a point and click adventure? I'm there. It's too bad there's no money to be made in point and clicks anymore. The community is SO huge, but so scattershot. The really great ones (King's Quest, Space Quest, Monkey Island) died way before everything had finished in the series. It's sad to think that none of them are coming back. At least there's a chance of a new Sam and Max now that Lucasarts lost the liscense.

Addendum: Before you think anything, Grim Fandango was awesome, but the story was done. There was nothing left to say, and I'd hate to ruin an awesome ending by trying to tack more crap on.

4) Morgan Webb in FHM's Game Section: Fantastic. Of all the "celebrity tech columns" (basically Morgan, and Chi-Lan and Cat in Stuff), this one makes the most sense, Morgan's a good writer, she looks good, and hey, it's probably doing more for her career at this point than getting yelled at by 12 year old Full Metal Alchemist fans.

5) Speaking of G4, I was down in LA a few weeks ago for their host search. I've got plenty to say on the matter, and I'll probably do an entire post on it, maybe this weekend. We'll see how things shake out.

6) I just wanted to drop a line and say that I'm really, really proud of this week's Satire.

http://www.onlineonslaught.com/columns/hocking/20050817.shtml

I don't know what the hell I was thinking, but Dean Malenko as a Film Noir Detective cracks me up.

That's all you're getting for now.

-Matt

Infriggin' Credible

So, I'm over at Best Buy earlier this week, seeing if they have anything that catches my eye, something that chills my spine and freezes my heart.

After School Specials on DVD.

I tried to picture in my head exactly who they were marketing this to. I understand the nostalgia involved in rolling out a line of He-Man and ALF DVDs, and I even get why they've done stuff like Golden Girls, despite the fact that their primary audience is likely either dead or doesn't know how to operate a DVD player. Certainly pointless nostalgia hasn't reached so far back that we're hitting on pandering moralism and terrible acting as "vintage collections" for the 80s generation. Then it hit me:

Stoners.

Of course. Who else can watch ninety minutes of Jason Hervey struggling to come to some monumentous moral decision about peer pressure or smoking or something while Wilfred Brimley leers at him and tells him to shut up and eat his goddamn oatmeal. I don't smoke, and thus I could never understand the deeper lessons learned there on repeat viewings. It all makes some kind of strange cyclical sense now.

Summer is slow for games. NCAA '06 is fun, but a little disappointing, so I've found myself playing more online games than anything else, and I'm not really a big online gamer. The drought ends starting September though, and in the span of about three months there, there's at least ten or fifteen games that I want to pick up right now. Hopefully some of them will be crappy so I don't go broke.

Take care, I'll be back sooner than last time. Promise.

SONY Is Drunk

http://www.gamespot.com/news/2005/06/28/news_6128295.html

$399 for a PS3, huh? Yeeeeeeeeeah....

Look, let me level with you, Sony, do you mind if I call you Sony? No all capital letters and all? Ok, I know you're taking a bath on the hardware. And I KNOW that everybody loved the PS2, and you're planning to blow us all away with the Ps3, but I'm having a hard time stomaching this one. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall at that meeting....

"What can we charge for the PS3?"
"WOOO! I'm DRUNK!"
"How much is Microsoft charging for the 360?"
"Uh....$300?"
"Then we'll charge $400! We're at LEAST a hundred dollars better."

I imagine that by the time PS3 is rolling off the assembly line next May, Microsoft will have dropped the 360 by about $50. Think about this for a second. You're strapped for cash, the economy is bad, and you can only buy one system, which one are you going to go for? Spout technology all you want, but all software being equal (and Halo 3 is expected to ship right about that time) people will go for the cheaper option every time. Except me. Because I'm drunk and stupid too.

Then again, what's Sony supposed to do? They're already losing a couple hundred dollars at the register, and it's not like their software titles fly off the shelves. Really they're selling the Blu-Ray here, and the Cell. But that stuff is all really, really expensive. So, hell if I know. I guess that's why I never got a business degree.

Finally:

An Open Letter to Avril Lavigne

Dear Ms. Lavigne,

Congratulations on your engagement.

Now, I want you to take a good long look at your boyfriend. Done? No, no. That wasn't long enough. LOOK at him. The guy looks like a fourty year old goblin. Did you fall down a well or something?

I don't know. Maybe it's something in the water up there in Canada. Moose poop or something. Whatever it is, best of luck to you but...don't have any kids. Kay? Thanks.

Love,

-Hans McMuffins

E3: Press Confrontastic!

One of these days, I'd love nothing more than to go to E3. I've pursued several rather crappy "Dream Jobs," for no other reason, than because working for these companies would afford me the opportunity to walk on the traderoom floor and rub elbows with people from some of the biggest companies in gaming. And some day, it is my hope that I'll actually get to do it. Until that time, however, I'll cover my thoughts on what has been revealed by somebody else!

X-Box 360:

What We Know:

-Has a Stupid Name
-Bill Gates LOVES holding pep rallys
-Limited Backwards Compatability (Microsoft won't say what is and isn't compatable)
-X-Box Live Marketplace Feature allows anybody who owns an X-Box to create and sell game content, chat with other users.
-Has some sort of compatability with the PSP
-Wi/Fi and wireless controllers
-Hi Def
-Available for $300 this November (but it will be sans any big franchise games, Halo 3 will be released during the PS3 rollout, as for Microsoft's other big franchises...uh...No telling when the next Blinx game will be out)

What We Still Don't Know:

-I've yet to see anything in screenshots or video that demonstrates to me that X-Box 360 (graphically or in terms of AI/Playability) is a necessary step up from the current generation console, except that SONY is releasing a new platform
-What does "top selling games" mean, in terms of backwards compatability support? Only Halo? Only games that are currently utilizing X-Box Live? That's too vague for my liking
-Microsoft's scheme seems to be to target casual gamers who never took to X-Box last time around, this includes a long speech at the press conference about how people who don't like video games could create and sell content (but WOULD they? And would they pay $300 to do it? And would somebody who actually DOES play games trust the content of somebody who never has? Enough to buy it?) or use it for video chat and that kind of crap. The MTV special was a perfect example of that. Here's a screen shot! Awesome! Now here's 20 minutes of Elijah Wood and the Killers! Seems like a lot of hype for a console that A) isn't exactly bowling people over, and B) isn't coming out for six months. Is Microsoft scared or overcompensating?
-Will it still flop in Japan (sources say: YES)

My Take: They've really got to deliver in a big BIG way come November. They've hardly even used the potential of the last console to be jumping so quickly into another generation. As a result, all the customizable faceplates in the world won't be able to hide the fact that this has all the look (right now) of a rushed, hackneyed attempt to beat the competition to the market. I'm afraid Microsoft may end up getting Dreamcasted with this system, if for no other reason than because there's nothing they've revealed so far that makes me say, "Wow, I've really got to get one of those." We'll see. Maybe they'll suprise me. They've got four months. Maybe they should hold more Pep Rallys.

Playstation 3

What We Know:

-Backwards compatable back through Playstation One (!)
-Blue Ray DVD Player
-Comes with a Boomerang
-Wi-Fi allows Seven controllers 0n one box
-Possibly a George Foreman Grill with computers in it
-"Cell" Processor Eats Souls for power.

What We Still Don't Know:

-Sony showed some FANTASTIC stuff in their demos, buuuuut, how much of that will they actually be able to do?
-How will the Boomerang Controllers feel?
-How much will all that technology cost by next year? Right now the graphic cards alone would be pushing $1,000
-A lot about the system itself, since nobody's actually seen one, you know, running
-What about the rumor that it would launch with a new Grand Theft Auto (thereby negating the Halo effect, one would think).
-The DVR rumor - True or False?

My Take: SONY came out swinging. The console is still at least a year away, and Killzone and Fight Night especially looked nothing short of amazing. EA would like very much for you to believe that not only was the Fight Night stuff in-game footage, but that it was running on an old model development kit which severely limited the rendering. If that's true, I give up. If it's not though, SONY is in trouble. The PSP isn't exactly setting the world on fire (not that it's doing bad, but it's not doing near so well as they'd hoped), but the "Playstation" brand is still considered by many to be IT, in terms of hardware. If they can deliver 75% of what they showed, they won't have any trouble keeping that.

Nintendo Revolution

What We Know:

-Smaller than anything else!
-Plays DVD (if you have an attachment)
-Downloadable content makes it backwards compatable to the NES (!!)
-Mario! Zelda! Metroid! Something NEW from Miamoto!
-Also more powerful than the 360
-Online with Wi/Fi
-Links via wireless communication with DS

What We STILL Don't Know:

-What the hell the controller looks like
-Why Link is turning into a werewolf
-Pretty much anything else about this console

My Take: Did I miss something, or did they base their whole press conference around Tina Wood and Nintendogs? Seriously, though, there's no reason Nintendogs won't hit huge here (like it's spiritual parents Tomagochi and Pokemon), but Nintendo basically said alot about nothing as it pertains to the Revolution. Hardware specs, the AWESOME news that it will support NES, SNES, N64, and GameCube emulation, and that's...about it. They're planning on a 2006 release, but they didn't have anything to say about anything. Not even a tech demo video of some nicely rendered, but impossible gameplay footage like SONY. Just...Nintendogs. And Zelda. That said, the system looks WAY cooler than the Cube, and Nintendo prides itself on cheap pricing for its consoles (because they make tons of cash on first party titles). I mean, they really didn't show ANYTHING here, so the only thing to criticise, of course, is the fact that they gave us nothing to criticise. Also, that Nintendo continually claims that they are going after older, more hardcore gamers, and then hits us up with a press conference about Nintendogs. Yes it will sell well, but call a spade a spade, guys.

And finally

GameBoy Advance: Micro

What We Know:

-ANOTHER Gameboy Advance
-WTF?
-REALLY SMALL!
-Could probably be used as a keychain
-Plays all your favorite GBA games, but so small you can't see them!

What We STILL Don't Know:

-Does the world need ANOTHER Gameboy Advance?
-Where does one put all those buttons comforably on something that small?
-Can you read the screen? At all?
-How much longer will support continue for the GBA until they roll over to the next GameBoy (not the DS, the long-rumored GameCubeBoy)

My Take: I guess it's ok. If you're afraid the GBA will get you beat up at school, or need to hide it during meetings, it's sleek and tiny, and thus must be totally cool. It actually IS a neat idea, but this is the third incarnation of the GBA, and they've done nothing different but make them smaller. I know people will buy it, but it's crazy, because almost everybody already has one. My biggest question is about the screen. It's tiny, and I think it might be REALLY hard to see, which would make it nearly impossible to play any sort of text heavy game (like Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced) or any sort of "little map" game (like Advance Wars). I'm sure Mario looks killer, but will you be able to see anything else? Also, button placement might be a problem, but then again, I've got a little Tetris game from years ago that's no bigger than a watch, and the button placement is fine. But that's Tetris, you know? Only a couple little buttons. We'll have to wait and see, I guess.

That's it for now. Check back with you later.

-Matt

I Talk Everything But American Idol

I've kind of been mulling over what to write for a few days, but nothing's really struck a chord. I mean, what am I to say? So here is a collection of random thoughts to satiate you until next I write.

-What kind of world are we living in when Bruce Willis feels up Lindsay Lohan, and Katie Holmes breaks off her long engagement to Chris Klien to date Tom Cruise (who both HAPPEN to have movies coming out within the next few months, hmmm...)? I mean, good for them all if they're happy, I guess, but come on, guys. You should both be more mature than that. Especially Tom. Unless Katie Holmes has pledged to help him rid the world of the evil aliens and instal Tom as the King of Scientology. Then it's all good. I guess.

-I was about to complain about how I wish I had a girlfriend, and one that was younger than me, so that I could be cool too, but then I remembered that I'm 24, and that you get much younger than me, and it's even more creepy than the above couples.

-I saw Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy last week, and it was just about everything I hoped it'd be. Completely different from the books, but that's how it was supposed to be. That said, there was a lot removed that I loved when I read the books, and there was some stuff added that was unnecessary. The plot, for example, felt tacked on. But I won't spoil it for anybody. If you like Sci-fi or comedy, or British things, you owe it to yourself to take a look.

-Caveat Though: If you've read anything I've written, you'd probalby know that Adams was a huge influence on my writing, so I'm about as unabashed fanboy as one can get.

-Since I graduated from the UW (was that LAST YEAR?! Yikes), I've had trouble finding a good solid fulltime job, which really sucks. I don't particularily mind what I'm doing right now, but it's only part-time, and I wouldn't mind shedding it any time now. I recently applied for a production job in L.A. for G4TV (the video game channel, of which I watch several hours a week). I'd really love a chance to just interview for this job, feel like I'm moving forward. Send some positive energy my way, hopefully I'll have something to keep you posted on.

-I tried some new "Star Wars: Dark Chocolate" M&Ms. Not bad. The words that keep rolling around in my head are that they are "significantly the same" as regular M&Ms. I got Peanut, and I swear, they don't even taste all that much different. Maybe I'm losing my sense of taste or something? I'd try the regular, but the gas station was out. Maybe next week....

-One funny story that I do have from my job: Among my responsibilities is checking packages that are being sent on air shipments for possible hazards. One cannot package things like chemicals, explosives, freezable liquids, magnets, etc. on Fed Ex cargo planes. So I open a package the other day for inspection, and what do I find? A personal pleasure device. I swear, I sat there for about two minutes processing in my head how awkward the situation was. I can only imagine the reaction of the girl, when she gets her new toy and notices that some wanker has had at her box with a knife and then taped it shut again. I swear, we're going to get sued one of these days.

-After Star Wars and Batman, there really isn't anything coming out this Summer that I'm looking forward to seeing now. It makes me sad. There's some blockbuster movies coming out, but most of them are remakes and sequels, on which I'll have to wait until I start getting opinions from people I trust whether or not I should bother. I'd like to see Fantastic Four for example, but...eeeeh...I've got a feeling it won't be nearly as good as I think it would be.

-E3 is in a few weeks, and if there's any year I would have wanted to go, it would be this year. SONY and Microsoft debuting their respective new hardwares (360, by the way is a TERRIBLE name for a system), Nintendo may or may not, you never know with them. It's really too bad. I wish I could have gotten that G4 job weeks ago, so I could have gone for sure. Oh well. I guess I'll try to make it out there one of these years. WWE Judgement Day is that weekend too, and I've actually got tickets for that, so I guess it's not a total wash.

-Amazing Race is very, very good this season, but I need to watch the finale first to pass judgement on it as compared to others. Next week.

Have a good one, folks. Hocking out!

Sorry.